31 January 2008

I love Terry Pratchett

I'm currently reading his Feet of Clay and I got to this part involving Nobby and . . . . Oh, man . . . I laughed so hard that I cried.

Typing isn't easy. I clipped my nails yesterday and apparently clipped the one on my left forefinger a little too low, so it hurts. It didn't hurt yesterday or even all day today, only when I was on my way home from work. I try to type sans that finger, but it's tough. I keep making a bunch of typos because I just skip the letters that that finger would have been typing. Oh, well. It'll be better tomorrow, surely.

It's still snowing. Winter advisory until noon tomorrow. District 118 has already canceled school for tomorrow. I wonder if we'll get off of work. It'd be a nice change. I hope we get fully paid snow days. I'm scheduled for 7.5 hours.

26 January 2008

What Would Jessiqa Do?

I don't think I've gone to church once since August. Maybe July. This is the longest no-church stretch I've ever had. Ever. Even when I was having my religious crisis/doubts/exploration I went every now and then. (That was mostly just to make Mom happy, though.) This is different. I'm experiencing no crisis, no real lack of faith. I just lack the desire to attend church. Weird. Because I enjoy the experience when I'm there. The music, the incense, the prayer, the whole of the liturgy really, it's all very beautiful.

I think part of my hesitation is that it's been so long. I feel like I don't belong anymore. Frankly, I never belonged in the first place. That's my fault. I almost never stayed after liturgy for coffee hour. I never bothered to get to know my fellow parishioners. I didn't want to. I always viewed St. Nicholas' as just a temporary thing. It's only the church I attend because I'm stuck in Danville. It's not home. Why make connections to people when I know bloody well I'm leaving again. I haven't left yet, but I'm working on it. I hope to be gone before Pascha. Is it wrong that one of my main reasons for getting a job and getting out of here is that I'd rather not go to confession here again? See, I converted to Orthodoxy from being Baptist, so of everything, confession is probably the most awkward and alien to me. But it's even more awkward with Father James. Way more than it was with Fathers Joe and Michael at St. Joe's in Wheaton. I always feel guilty talking to Father James because I don't get involved in any capacity at St. Nicholas'. Besides, I never really know what to confess. I've discussed swearing and smoking and apathy and other stuff. He says not to confess things I've confessed before because I've already been forgiven for them. Great. But I continue to do them. So now what? Should I instead ask forgiveness for not bothering to try to be better? 'Cause other than that, I've got nothing. It's not like I go about trying to commit new sins just for the hell of it. I'm running out of things to confess and so I just stand there awkwardly in an already awkward situation and ugh--I just hate it. So if I can be somewhere else, at some other church by Pascha, by the time I need to confess next (confession is mandatory once a year, usually at lent), then maybe I won't feel so uncomfortable.

Maybe. Or maybe this is a crisis in faith. As I said, I really enjoy the liturgy. I pray every night, but that's mostly by rote. I rarely read the Bible. I used to do that every night as part of my prayers. I pre-ordered the new study Bible, so that's cool. I just have this whole lack of interest, I guess. This is true in most aspects of my life, so why not here as well?

I'm going to set my alarm. I'll at least get that far, which is more than I've done in a long long time. I may turn it off again when I wake up, but at least I'll make the initial effort tonight to go to church tomorrow. Goodnight.

23 January 2008

story of my life

I always seem to end up writing blogs when I'm tired and really ought to be in bed. I'm just taking care of a bit of downloading and then I'll go toward my slumber. I promise. Anyhoo, this whole paying back student loans is a bitch. I owe around $50,000. Most of that is from UofI, but some is from NIU. I have to rework the UofI part so that they determine my monthly payments based on my income. Otherwise I would have to pay almost 300 a month and there's no way I can afford that. I had something else on my mind, but I've forgotten it now. Mind like a steel sieve, I have. I think I'm gonna buy the soundtrack to Pan's Labyrinth. I just gave it a listen and I quite like it. I was surprised to learn a few weeks ago that Daddy didn't really like the movie. I fucking loved it. I should watch it again. Hah! Right! I've got tons of movies I need to watch but haven't gotten around to yet. Some aren't even mine. Like that one movie I borrowed from Jenni about a year and a half or two years ago . . . . I should take a course on speed-reading: I'm not reading all the books I want to read fast enough. I'm not going to live forever, you know! I still haven't bothered to even look for that cover letter I wrote for the Henderson's class last year. I need to revise that and make it my proper cover letter for all these jobs I haven't been applying to. I keep saying "tomorrow," but I've been saying that for a week and a half now--it's kinda begun to lose meaning. Speaking of tomorrow, I wonder what Jenni wants to do tomorrow. We're supposed to go to Chambana and hang with Ryan and wish him a happy anniversary of his birth, but we haven't actually made plans. We didn't call each other tonight. So I have no idea what's going on. Hmmmm. Daddy wants me to help him figure out the wireless router tomorrow so we can get Mom set up on her laptop. That's all well and good, I'll be glad to have her off of my computer, but that will probably mean that I'll be stuck using wireless internet and I rather like ethernet. rawrgh. It won't really be that bad. I do just fine with wireless at Aunt Beth's. It's still through cable. It handles torrents well, so I need to stop bitching.

15 January 2008

It's that time of year again

. . . to buy Girl Scout cookies.

I nearly died because they don't have Samoas anymore. Thankfully, they just changed the name to the terribly lame Caramel Delights, so I started breathing again so that I could relate the tale to you now.

*wipes beads of sweat from forehead*
That was a close one.

Edit: They're called Caramel De Lites, not Caramel Delights. Even lamer.

13 January 2008

Hakuna Matata

The job hunt has begun.
I must write a cover letter.
Tomorrow.

10 January 2008

crocodiles

I had a dream last night that featured crocodiles. Or were they alligators? Even in the dream, I wasn't sure.

I should be in bed right now. I was, actually, until a few minutes ago when inspiration caused me to leap to my laptop. Not to blog, but to do something else. Writing this is a way of passing the time until I finish the other thing, which isn't even working. Grrr. I wish I could rip video and audio and split files and all that good stuff.

*sigh* Oh, well. Back to bed.

02 January 2008

So how do you like 2008 so far?

I asked this question of a cat about five seconds into the new year. She was unimpressed. Jenni laughed, though. I've discovered a new favorite night-time beverage--hot chocolate with a shot of Bailey's Irish Cream. Marshmallows are a plus. Have I ever mentioned that I love Placebo? Well, I do. Lots. I have to wake up uber-early tomorrow. Okay, not uber-early, but 730, which is still unpleasantly early. Grrrr at having to work for a living. Hahaha. I'm very sleepy right now. I wouldn't even be up, but I'm trying to waste time while I finish my Hot Bailey's Irish Cream Cocoa. Yummmm. Oooh. I should make a list of resolutions. Right.
  • Get the hell out of D-Vegas.
  • Get a job.
  • Preferably before Easter. (Western Easter, that is. Pascha is in May this year, which is way late.)
  • By my birthday would be fabulous.
  • Get on the pill. These pimples have to go.
  • Continue to feed my CD addiction.
  • Nurture a DVD addiction as well.
  • Start a yoga routine.
  • Preferably by going to a class, so I can get proper instruction.
  • Barring the yoga, start a morning swimming routine.
  • Enjoy as many concerts as possible. (so far so good on this one)
  • Look into seeing Tori Amos live.
  • Also The Cure.
  • And NIN, if the fuckers tour the US this year.
  • Buy some black socks.
  • Learn to juggle.
  • Get some sleep. Goodnight.

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